The Couch Sessions, Volume Two

Welcome to the latest edition of the Couch Sessions, in which Rock Shrink Lisa Thaler, LCSW, tackles the music career-related anxieties and fears of our readers.

Dear Rock Shrink,

My band is about to lose it. We have been together for nearly two years and the drummer is going back to college. I am the lead singer and write about 2/3 of the originals and we do about half covers. We have been gigging locally and on short trips up to a day’s drive from home. We have a small following and it’s getting more regular. The drummer doesn’t want us to replace him but he can’t get back for gigs nearly as often. If we only gig when he’s available, it means giving up on going full-time. He might be a dick about it if we get another drummer, but I’m going for a pro music career and he’s thinking of it more like a hobby and he’s holding us back.

How do I talk the other guys into keeping the band together for at least another year with a new drummer and going for the next level? Can one guy stop us? What do I do? I think he should man up and quit the band but he’s making me fire him.

P.S. I’m having a friend of a friend send this because I don’t want my band to find out.

Friend or Foe?

FoF, Thanks so much for writing.  You’ve got yourself quite a predicament there.  As far as I see it, there are two main issues here; the first is communication amongst the band members and the second is establishing and recognizing the goals/priorities of the band.  Of course these two are completely inter-related but let’s separate them first to work on/understand them.

Communication:  In your email, you mention a couple of communication snafus; “nobody wants to be mad”, “he might be a dick about it”, “the other 2 guys are about to quit because they say its too much hassle to rebuild but I think they’re just afraid of the drama”.  You think the drummer should “man up and quit the band” but you know he doesn’t want to leave the band or be replaced.  How have y’all addressed conflict/disagreements/differences in opinion at other times in the band’s two year history?  I would imagine some other issues must have come up?  Did being friends allow you to address things head-on or did it get in the way because no one wanted to piss any one off and cause hurt feelings? Did unspoken shit build up? How were decisions made?  If a band can’t figure out a way to address conflict amongst the members, it is certain to implode.

Goals/priorities:  A few years back, I did extensive research by interviewing musicians and other music industry folk about what they thought makes a band work vs. implode.  A very common theme that became apparent in the interviews was that if the band members did not all share the same goals and priorities for the band, the band was likely to crash and burn.  If you are going to spend HOURS in a van together while touring and HOURS in a studio creating music, practicing, recording etc, you best share in what you want for the band.

So let’s address your particular predicament in terms of communication breakdown and goal setting.  It would be important to make the situation the least personal (i.e. Not “We don’t like you and don’t want you in the band”) and the most professional (i.e. “We want to take the band all the way and your schedule won’t allow for that”).

I would suggest having each band member think about/write down what his/her goals and priorities are as a member of the band (e.g. “I like playing music with my friends, and I would like to have successful career as a musician,” or “Playing music is just a hobby for me,” or “I want to be a rock star,” etc).  Also, each person should then think about/write down what his/her goals and priorities are for the band as a whole (e.g. “We have great mojo as a band and let’s take that all the way,” or “I could care less what happens to the band,” or “I’d want us to be successful but I don’t have the time/energy/inclination to work hard on it”).

Next, schedule a band meeting and compare notes. If the majority of the band members want to move forward with the band and the one person doesn’t, then shouldn’t majority rule?  The facts would be right in front of all of you; there is a discrepancy between band member’s goals.  It wouldn’t be personal, or that y’all don’t want to be friends with the drummer, but more about the collective priorities of band.

He might be a dick about it or be mad about it. It will be really important for the rest of you to keep your cool and not be dicks back because his feelings may be hurt. Y’all can say that you wish it could be different, that you wish it could work out with him in the band, if that is how you really feel.  He won’t really be able to challenge what you are saying if it is so clear that the rest of you have goals/ideas for the band that are contrary to his.  Give that a whirl and see what happens.

Got music career troubles of our own? f you’d like to spend some time on the Couch, submit your questions or worries here.

Tagged as: Couch Sessions, Tips